THOU SHALT NOT PLUNDER ... But plunder they do!
November 20th 2007 06:54
Cult Classics That Should Never Have Been Remade (But Were or Will Be, Damn Them!)
1. Halloween (2007) directed by Rob Zombie
John Carpenter should be slapped for allowing Rob Zombie anywhere near his legendary horror masterpiece. ‘Nuff said.
2. The Thing (2009) directed by yet to be announced
John Carpenter should be slapped (again) for allowing this film to be remade. Okay, so Carpenter's was already a remake, but the original has a different title, and its cult classic attributes are arguable at best. Originally designed to be a sequel, now it will be a re-imagining. Groan.
3. Day of the Dead (2007) directed by Steve Miner
Steve Miner was a hack when he started (Friday the 13th Part 2), and turned into a director of pubescent drivel (Dawson’s Creek anyone?!). Romero should have taken these guys to court over this atrocity.
Sam Raimi has already remade this; Evil Dead 2 was a slicker, but sillier and tamer version, so he’s only confusing the issue, and making a mockery of his own masterpiece. I’m aghast.
5. Psycho (1998) directed by Gus Van Sant
Gus Van Sant should be locked away for doing this. It's basically a shot-for-shot replica. What in hell’s name for? Oh, for colour? For the masturbation sequence?! It only proved just how clever Hitchcock was.
6. The Hitcher (2007) directed by Dave Meyers
This felt like a violent TV movie. There was no air of the supernatural, no nightmare moodiness, no subtlety of character … and Sean Bean couldn’t hope to portray the sense of menace that Rutger Hauer did so effortlessly.
7. The Omen (2006) directed by John Moore
Like Gus Van Sant’s Psycho, this was so close to the original one wonders why they bloody bothered. It only made me think of the original and Billy Piper and how damn scary she and Harvey Stephens, who played Damien, actually were.
8. Suspiria (2008) directed by yet to be announced
Not sure if this will be a Hollywood production or something Argento is supervising in his home country. Either way, it’s very bad news.
There's obviously more, but I had to stop somewhere ...
Cult Classics That Have Been Remade … Surprisingly Well (Considering The Legacy)
1. Dawn of the Dead (2004) directed by Zack Snyder
This surprised most horror fans by being witty, well-cast, moody, visceral and ended with serious punch.
2. The Hills Have Eyes (2006) directed by Alexandre Aja
An under-rated, super-slick version by French stylists. As brutal and uncompromising as the original, but it was also better looking, and more sophisticated.
3. The Fly (1986) directed by David Cronenberg
The original is a 50s B-movie classic, while Cronenberg beefs up the special effects ten fold, adds serious black humour and social commentary, gives Jeff Goldblum the role of his career, and creates an instant cult following.
4. Nosferatu (1979) directed by Werner Herzog
The original from 1922 is a masterpiece of German expressionism and arguably the creepiest adaptation of Dracula ever filmed. German auteur Herzog puts his own phantasmogorical and ethereal stamp on this classic tale of the undead with a ravishing Isabelle Adjani and a thoroughly unctuous Klaus Kinski.
5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) directed by Marcus Nespil
Although panned by many critics and fans of the Tobe Hooper original, this is actually a surprisingly effective re-imagining. Not the super low-budget, cinema verite style of the original, but still a stylishly relentless nightmare pursuit, and with a terrified Jessica Biel in the lead, hey, you can’t go wrong there.
The 1955 original is unbeatable, but oddly enough this remake, in colour, with likable Donald Sutherland in the lead, oozes much of the same compelling sense of paranoia and creeping unknown. Also remade, rather well, by Abel Ferrara in 1993.
7. King Kong (2005) directed by Peter Jackson
Sure it’s three hours long, and Jack Black tries to eat as much scenery as the big ape, and it polarised audiences, but I champion this hirsute epic, like Speilberg’s much-maligned The Lost World: Jurassic Park, as a seriously good adventure-horror flick.
Couldn't really think of any more ...
Cult Classics That I Hope Will Never Be Remade (But I Harbour Grave Fears For!)
1. Alien (1979) directed by Ridley Scott
Three official sequels and two hybrid sequels. No word yet on a remake, but when the Alien vs. Predator franchise wears thin, the original will look like mighty treasure.
2. Phantasm (1978) directed by Don Coscarelli
Three sequels, each one worse than the previous. The original’s low-budget will have executive’s champing at the bit to splurge big bucks on a remake.
Five sequels, plus a “post-modern” diversion, and a hybrid sequel. Can you imagine how many young female actors in Hollywood would give their right arm to play Nancy in a remake?!
4. Taxi Driver (1976) directed by Martin Scorsese
This is the ne plus ultra of urban modern horror movies. A slow burn descent into one man’s madness, paranoia and ultimately his “release” through ultraviolence. One would pray Scorsese would intervene and not allow this to be remade. Surely.
5. Videodrome (1982)directed by David Cronenberg
This visceral masterpiece of cybergasmic body horror was way ahead of its time, so it’s inevitable it will be remade and “adjusted” to fit with our current obsession with pornography, cyberspace, reality television, and control.
And they will be remade ... mark my words.
Cult Classics That Could Possibly Be Remade (With Further Lashings of Style, Atmosphere, Gusto, and Chutzpah)
1. Demons (1986) directed by Lamberto Bava
2. The Beyond (1981) directed by Lucio Fulci
3. Xtro (1982) directed by Harry Bromley Davenport
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Comment by Krystal
feelings
Sorry I have taken so long to get back to you, Bryn.
Comment by Damo
Personally I thought the remake of King Kong was a bit of a let down. I know it was spectacular and the FX were terrific. I don't even mind Jack Black. However an ice skating giant ape was a bit much.. Plus the original was creepy and mysterious. This could not scare in a fit.
I like the original Omen for its styling and relentless stalking of fear. Gregory Peck was utterly convincing as the Doubting Thomas facing upto a new reality. He is also someone who can actually act. Even William Holden in the sequal was good but not a patch on Peck.
There is still one film that someone is bound to look at:
Metropolis.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
I guess King Kong is a bit of a guilty pleasure then ... I do love the original though! What's your favourite Klaus Kinski?
Comment by Damo
'Fitzcarraldo'
Such an insane study on a man possed by greatness coming unstuck by a minor twist of fate.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Damo
I need to check my record collection I think I have the sound track for Aguirre
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
The Fly! Great movie... I forgot all about that one...
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Yeah, Cronenberg's The Fly, I'm gonna review it in the near future ...
Comment by wolfgirl
Why are people even allowed TO REMAKE??
Stop selling rights or whatever it is that goes down!!
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile