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“A horror film’s job is to scare you, is to get your pulse going, is to make you scream and yell. It’s to make you be afraid. That’s its main purpose, and creeping you out. And that can be an enjoyable experience.” --- John Carpenter ::::::::::::: MY CRITERIA FOR DISCUSSION ENCOMPASSES THE HORROR GENRE AND BEYOND, SO I USE THE TERM "NIGHTMARE MOVIES". SPOILERS CAN OCCUR WITH OR WITHOUT WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The Island

June 3rd 2009 00:27
The Island movie poster
Not to be confused with the Michael Bay supertrash sci-fi Scarlett Johansson/Ewan McGregor vehicle of the same name, The Island (1980), directed by Michael Ritchie, is a turgid little shocker screen-written by the late Peter (Jaws) Benchley based on his own novel. When I say "shocker" it may have raised a few eyebrows nearly thirty years ago, but I'm actually referring it as lame as a dead duck in the water.

The Island Jeffrey Frank and Michael Caine
Jeffrey Frank as Justin and Michael Caine as his father Blair
One of the countless pieces of trash Michael Caine has on his resume (whether he likes it or not). Caine is a man with a very strong work ethic. He has some fabulous quotes to justify it: “First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.” Then there’s this doozy: “I’ve made an awful lot of films. In fact, I’ve made a lot of awful films.” But he reminds us that, “You get paid the same for a bad film as you do for a good one.” And that’s why Michael Caine is fabulously rich. He doesn’t care that he has more turkeys gobbling around the video store than most A-list actors, he’s a professional, he enjoys his craft, and he likes the money. Still, he’s made a shit load of crappy movies, and The Island is one of many (Anthony Hopkins was first offered the lead, then Caine, who is known to make jokes about the amount of times he’s been second choice).
The Island pirates
Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon!
Blair Maynard (Michael Caine) is an investigative journalist who takes it upon himself to solve the mystery of disappearing luxury yachts in the Bahamas. He’s getting paid for the story too. He takes his young teenage son Justin (Jeffrey Frank) along for the adventure. The plane crash lands on one of the inhabited islands so they’re stranded for awhile. Blair and Justin discover one of the locals, an old sea dog called Windsor (Frank Middlemass) is renting boats, so they decide to do a spot of fishing until they’re picked up. Unfortunately they’re attacked by pirates, knocked unconscious and kidnapped to another nearby island.
The Island Michael Caine
Blair has his rights read by the buccaneers
The Island Dudley Sutton and Jeffrey Frank
Dr. Brazil (Dudley Sutton) plies his pirate magic on Justin
Turns out they’ve become prisoners of a bunch of cutthroat modern-day buccaneers, or as Blair so eloquently describes them, “A bunch of arseholes playing Long John fucking Silver!” Blair is shackled and made to service one of the few women, Beth (Angela Punch McGregor), a brainwashed survivor from the movie’s prologue pirate attack, in order to procreate and continue the rogue swashbucklers’ bloodline. Justin is separated from his father and brainwashed into thinking he’s a buccaneer buck. Much scurrying around the island follows as Blair attempts several times to rescue his son and escape the clutches of the mad in-bred pirate bastards led by the proverbial English villain of the day, David Warner.

As a boy I loved the poster art, but never rented the VHS, it was one of those titles that slipped from memory until recently. In my mind I had decided it was going to be a lot darker, dangerous and disturbing than the movie turned out to be. Firstly, it suffers from one of those dreadful against the grain scores that tries to turn the movie into a comedy. Secondly, the movie is way overlong, with several false endings, and the pacing of a sea turtle. Thirdly, there’s not nearly enough luridness for a movie with such a lurid premise.
The Island Jeffrey Frank
Justin's keen eye is put to good use
Michael Caine is actually not half bad in the movie. Of course he’s simply playing Michael Caine, which he got down to a fine art back in the 60s. “When I'm doing an accent, you shouldn't notice it for a while, if I'm doing it right,” he’s been quoted as saying, which I find damn hilarious because every single movie I’ve seen him in he’s spouting the same bloody Cockney accent. The Island is no exception. David Warner sleepwalks through his role as the pony-tailed judge, jury and executioner. While Angela Punch McGregor is about as attractive as the mudpack she dons when Blair is first introduced to her whilst strung-up during his “trial”.
The Island Michael Caine
Blair cuts loose on the cutthroats
There are two half-decent gore effects during the first pirate attack; an axe cleaves a forehead and a fat gut is ripped open by another hatchet. These two moments of extreme violence are probably the only reason the movie gets the highly dubious R18 rating in Australia, I really can’t see any other reason for such a restriction, unless the censors found prisoner Justin’s social conditioning via sleep deprivation as dodgy, or perhaps it was Blair going ballistic with the high-powered machine-gun at movie’s end …?
The Island headsplit
Okay, so the SFX don't look half as good under scrutiny
The Island is strictly for Michael Caine completists, or those easily amused by the idea of adults masquerading as pirates amusing themselves on the high seas and running amok on a small Caribbean island wearing silly bandannas and pantaloons.

Here's the trailer:


The Island DVD is courtesy of Umbrella Entertainment, many thanks!

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Posted By: Bryn - Category: movie reviews
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7 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Natalina

June 3rd 2009 01:57


My Life My Muse
Beta Girl Blog
This movie is soooo bad, but I've seen it like 10 times. I had a boyfriend once who just loved it. Anyway, the utter stupidity of it does grow on you after a while.

Comment by Raoul Duke

June 3rd 2009 02:20


Style of Eye
I dig pirate women.

Comment by Damo

June 3rd 2009 03:37
Few movies made me scratch my head as much as this one.

Caine is what he is but he make the movie better.
I cannot bring myself to watch the remake of Get Carter with Sly in it. That just oozes suckiness.

However I remember seeing this film years ago. Why was it made and why didn't edit it to make it better?
Pirates HUH?
And the end?
That was just too easy.

Comment by Bryn

June 3rd 2009 07:08


Horrorphile
Damo, oh its definitely a head scratcher. Methinks the Benchley novel would be a lot more fun. I haven't seen the Get Carter remake. Nor the Italian Job remake.
The whole bucanner/pirate idea might've seemed dangerous and exciting back in 1980, nowadays with real teenage pirates it comes across as risible, flippant at best.

Comment by Cliff Daigle

June 3rd 2009 14:08


Midnight Movie Screenings
Horror Movie News
This movie makes me sad - the novel was actually damn good. It just didn't translate to film for whatever reason.

The only good thing about the movie is the poster - it makes me want to see the movie again even though I know it will still suck.

I'm a sucker for marketing. Sad, I know.

And you are wise to avoid Get Carter and The Italian Job...I wish I had those hours of my life back. Ugh.

Comment by JohnDoe

June 3rd 2009 16:03


Film & TV on DVD
This one was a guilty pleasure as a kid, but I made the mistake of revisiting about a year ago and it really is tragically bad....not much positive to say about it now....it is still a great poster

Comment by Cibbuano

June 4th 2009 00:57


Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
what a shame - I loved the book as a kid, solely because of that kickass cover. In my mind, that pirate lady was ultra-hot...

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