THE GOREGASM TEST
October 12th 2007 05:05
When this gore spot is reached, the gratification one experiences from the psychological state of understanding the visual and aural levels of intense uber-violence and physical destruction can be described as a goregasm.
Have you experienced a goregasm?
It’s a short test. Here’s how to find out.
1. While watching Ruggero Deodato’s Cannibal Holocaust (1980) with several mates …
a) … you interject with remarks of disgust every time an animal is treated cruelly or killed on-screen.
b) … you gasp in genuine horror at the sight of the native woman impaled on the large stick.
c) … you wince in mock pain, but continue to watch, during the castration scene of the American man.
2. Whenever the topic of conversation at a dinner party turns to horror movies …
a) … you immediately blurt out that your favourite director is George Romero.
b) … you openly admit that find yourself strangely aroused during the lawnmower zombie carnage in Braindead (1991).
c) … you complain bitterly about the savage butchering of many of the Golden Age of modern horror movies.
a) … “You’re only saying that because of the genuinely alarmed expressions of the actors.”
b) …“Carlo Rambaldi had his blood down pat, I’ll give him that, but Rob Bottin’s alien gore ate Alien for breakfast!”
c) … “I can’t decide. They are both equally brilliant. How can even think of comparing them?!”
4. You feel Halloween (1978) is probably one of the five greatest horror movies ever made. Yet it features no graphic bloodletting. You query this by thinking …
a) … Michael Myers is beyond graphic violence. He is Horror Nirvana; a state of perpetual intent without need for detailed illustration.
b) … John Carpenter maintains a sense of implied ultra-violence throughout the entire movie with the score and camerawork, few directors could come close to this.
c) … John Carpenter didn’t have the budget for elaborate special effects make-up, so rather then attempt something which would’ve looked dodgy, he opted for atmosphere and tension.
5. Whilst scanning the shelves of the local video store you notice with concern that there are a lot of straight-to-DVD horror titles these days, many of which you later discover have been made on a shoestring budget and are utter crap. You start to ponder …
a) … if you could get away with making a snuff movie and passing it off as a post-modern reality TV show gone horribly awry.
b) … will there ever be another Lucio Fulci?
c) … just how important to the consumer is the label “unrated”, and how pissed off you are that an “unrated” version of My Bloody Valentine (1981) may never surface.
a) … he’s the only make-up wizard who’s been able to achieve an arm amputation with such realism (Day of the Dead, 1985)
b) … he was a combat photographer in Vietnam, if anyone can get gore right, Savini can, and did.
c) … he’s the King of Prosthetics, and no CGI will ever replace his legendary work.
7. You’re given the opportunity to program a grindhouse drive-in double feature. Your selection is …
a) Land of the Dead (unrated, 2005) & La Terza Madre (unrated, 2007)
b) The Return of the Living Dead (1985) & The Amityville Horror (1979)
c) H.P. Lovecraft’s Re-Animator (1985) & The Evil Dead (1982)
ANSWER MARKS BELOW (highlight):
1. a) 3 b) 9 c) 5
2. a) 9 b) 13 c) 8
3. a) 6 b) 4 c) 8
4. a) 3 b) 6 c) 11
5. a) 9 b) 7 c) 13
6. a) 8 b) 6 c) 4
7. a) 13 b) 4 c) 9
G-STAIN SCORE:
33 … HORROR BAMBI - You’re a gore charlatan. You prefer gags than guts. Don’t waste your time in the Darkness.
34 – 52 … BLOOD HUNTER - You like the smell of copper in the morning. It smells of victory. But you’re not sure about having intestines wrapped around your feet.
53 – 68 … VISCERAL FREAK - No pain, no gain. For you torture porn is the new black. Keepin’ it visceral is keepin’ it real.
69 – 75 … GOREHOUND - You’ve reached the Gore Spot! Can you feel the goregasm?
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