My Bloody Valentine (2009)

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Horrorphile - February 2009

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

February 13th 2009 01:06

Woo hoo! An R18 movie in 3-D! So does that mean we’ll get big bare boobies bounced into the audience, as well as spliffs being thrust and pick-axes being thrown, my brother and I mused with grins on our faces. We got more than boobies; we got the full buck naked monty running around screaming her tits off until she was gutted like a fish and her heart plopped into a heart-shaped valentine box. As you can probably tell, I’m in a sarcky mood.

Eventually all the cult classic slasher flicks will be remade, but for now, we’ve got two of the more infamous being released almost back-to-back: My Bloody Valentine (2009) and Friday the 13th (2009). My Bloody Valentine is being released in 3-D (or to be precise REAL-D, as the producers like to call it, which is more or less the same thing only the old red and blue goggles have been replaced by these nifty polarized spectacles made in conjunction with the filming process). Friday the 13th is released today in America, and Friday March 13th down under.

My Bloody Valentine (2009) Jensen Ackles

Jensen Ackles as Tom Hanniger

As with many remakes, My Bloody Valentine is actually a re-envisioning. The title is the same, there are a few of the same characters, but the premise has changed, and what unfolds is significantly different, in fact this version goes down a different mineshaft altogether.

Jaime King as Sarah Palmer

Ten years after an underground massacre has killed many miners in the small township of Harmony (if you know the original movie then you’ll recognise that the story has changed already) and the killer Harry Warden was shot dead, one of the survivors Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) returns to the town, much to the surprise of his ex-girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King) and her husband, Sheriff Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith), an old rival of Tom’s.

Tragedy has followed Tom to town, it seems Harry Warden isn’t dead after all, and the killings start up again. Axel must try and find the gas-masked, coal-suited, pick-axe brandishing killer before the rest of Harmony end up with their hearts in bloody boxes! Red Herrings abound as Tom, Sarah, Axel, the sheriff’s teenaged mistress Megan (Megan Boone), Deputy Martin (Edi Gathagi), and retired cop Burke (Tom Atkin) prowl around the town and the local mine in search for the “ghost” of Harry Warden.

My Bloody Valentine (2009) Megan Boone and Kerr Smith

Sheriff Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith) finds time for his piece on the side, Megan (Megan Boone)

First things first: the 3-D effect was very entertaining. Director Patrick Lussier throws a few things at the camera (the two best sequences being a bullet zooming toward the audience, bypassing, then ploughing through a torso which the camera follows, and a pick-axe yanking a jaw off which hurtles into the audience along with much blood and tissue). The clarity of the three-dimensional image has certainly improved since the years I was a boy watching the crappy spaghetti Western Comin’ at Ya! I suppose REAL-D is where it’s at (but I’m waiting with baited breath for what James Cameron’s Avatar will look like).

Burke (Tom Atkins) surveys Harry Warden's carnage

The 3-D effect is what "saves" My Bloody Valentine. The whole movie becomes one big effect. I would not recommend watching the movie in the standard 2-D. The reason for this is that the movie is dreadful. The re-jigged screenplay is utterly pedestrian, the acting is terrible and the characters are totally unlikable, the continuity and level of plausibility is out the window (it would be different if the movie was tongue-in-cheek, but it appears not), the special effects makeup work is credited to Gary J. Tunnicliffe’s Two Hours in the Dark. Say what?? Well, they’re shoddy enough to look like they took two hours to make … in the dark.

My Bloody Valentine (2009) masked killer

Harry Warden ... or is it?

The only really decent gore effect is old ham Tom Atkins’ having a pick-axe thrust up under his jaw and out his mouth and having the whole jaw torn off. This is actually a reference, ahem, sorry, an homage to the original where a janitor has a pick-axe thrust up under his jaw which pops out his eye. There’s also one other direct reference killing to the original movie involving a dryer.

The director and screenwriters have no idea how to construct a decent horror movie. Within the first ten minutes they show the graphic aftermath of a bloodbath, which isn’t convincing at all, and only undermines (LOL) the rest of the movie. It spoils any real sense of dread over what this killer is capable of. Guys, keep your aces til later, unless you’re very good at what you do, which you’re not.

My Bloody Valentine (2009) heart-shaped box

Something a little more sickly-sweet than chocolates

The movie has no real atmosphere at all. The killer just isn’t scary. The original is a very creepy, atmospheric little movie with some truly twisted moments. I wasn’t creeped out in the slightest by this killer and their modus operandi. One moment they’re utterly vicious and very adept with the old pick-axe, the next they’re lah-de-dah, swinging haphazardly and not really achieving much. To horrorphiles this kind of moviemaking is thoroughly annoying.

My Bloody Valentine (2009) Jaime King and killer

Sarah has no time to choose a cut of meat for dinner

The violence is graphic, but it isn’t that effective in horror terms. The Australian censors board have slapped a “High Impact Horror Violence” tag with the R18 rating, but I’ve seen more disturbing MA-rated movies. Perhaps it’s the extended female full-frontal nudity that really offended them? To be honest I’ve not seen that much prolonged nudity in a horror movie for quite some time, rather amusing actually.

Dang! Only chocolates! Tom was hoping for something a little heartier

Kerr Smith from Dawson’s Creek and Jensen Ackles from Supernatural: two television actors with ridiculous names that can’t act their way out of a paper bag. Jaime King keeps her clothes on for once, while Betsy Rue (the buck naked bimbo Irene), is most likely to never have a role with clothes thrust her way ever again.

Watching My Bloody Valentine in the moment wasn’t as painful as I’m making out to be, but that was because my brother and I were having so much fun with the 3-D effect. After we’d walked out of the cinema we just tore into it. Director Patrick Lussier (an editor-turned-director who made Dracula 2000 and should stick to editing, ‘nuff said) and screenwriters Todd Farmer and Zane Smith have butchered a classic stalk’n’slash movie with more stupidity and inanity than you can throw a pick-axe at. I refuse to believe the filmmakers were out to make a tongue-in-cheek movie.

I can’t wait for my Special – uncut - Edition DVD of the original, and vastly superior, version of My Bloody Valentine (1981) to arrive! Stay tuned for that review. In the mean time if you’re hanging for a vacuous and violent joyride go see a half-price 3-D screening of My Bloody Valentine with a mate or partner, I suppose there are worse things you could do.

Here's the trailer:

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Posted By: Bryn - Category: movie reviews

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Comments

9 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Jake 5

February 13th 2009 03:00

Cinema Voir
Drunk Rant

Dude this was on of the best post I've read. But wht the hell is up with the cut off words? Am I the only one seeing this?
Well, I look forward to this Movie.

Drunk Rant

Comment by Bryn

February 13th 2009 03:30

Horrorphile

Drunk,
A couple other readers have mentioned about cut off words. It doesn't happen on my screen.
So I can communicate this properly to Orble tech; I'm viewing off a PC, what are you viewing off? I use Mozilla for the Net, what are you using?
cheers for the props!

Comment by Jason King

February 13th 2009 06:29

Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness

Nicely said Bryn - however as you know I enjoyed it - sure me and my friends tore chunks off it but I haven't laughed in a movie like this one for ages - it was just what I wanted at the time, very enjoyable in a silly "back to teen" way.
I do have to say that most of your posts of late have been cut off on the side for me too. I am on IE with a W/S PC.
Laterzzzzzzzz - and for people to read my review of the same film and leave me abusive comments because I liked it

go HERE

Comment by Jake 5

February 13th 2009 06:39

Cinema Voir
Drunk Rant

Yeah, it was the right side of the screen. just a few letters but still irritating enough to make others to not read on im sure ya know.

Comment by Jake 5

February 13th 2009 06:40

Cinema Voir
Drunk Rant

Oh and I just use a PC

Comment by Jake 5

February 13th 2009 06:41

Cinema Voir
Drunk Rant

But I never thought about the fact that it could be the fact that I have had several drinks by the time i read your post

Comment by Jake 5

February 13th 2009 06:42

Cinema Voir
Drunk Rant

oops. Windows explorer

Comment by Wynona Lavota

February 17th 2009 09:58

Generation Y Life

So if you buy this when it comes out on blue ray, does it come with the glasses?

Comment by Bryn

February 18th 2009 01:47

Horrorphile

Wynona, very good question. Methinks the DVD and Blu-Ray releases will be the 2-D versions. Not sure if they've developed the technology yet for home-viewing. But I could be wrong.

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