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"I RECOGNISE TERROR AS THE FINEST EMOTION AND SO I WILL TRY TO TERRORISE THE READER. BUT IF I CANNOT TERRIFY, I WILL TRY TO HORRIFY, AND IF I CANNOT HORRIFY, I'LL GO FOR THE GROSS-OUT. I'M NOT PROUD." --- STEPHEN KING ::::::::::::: Spoilers for plot points and resolutions can occur within my movie reviews with or without warning. Read at your own risk.

Lesbian Vampire Killers

May 6th 2009 05:32
Lesbian Vampire Killers movie poster
Oh, the humanity! What a grand waste of a great sensationalist B-movie title! Sure enough this movie lived up to being very B-movie: tedious screenwriting, tepid acting, adequate direction, mediocre special effects, short running time … and as for being a spoof? Well, there was puh-lenty of lewd jokes and a lot of mock spoofing (if you get my jizzy drift), but precious little clever humour. If you’re very easily entertained then Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) just might be the bite you’re looking for, but for serious exploitation fans this is a lame duck waiting to be roasted.

The basic plot in a nutsac is thus: Jimmy (James Corden) and his best mate Fletch (Mathew Horne) are a coupla losers, that’s loo-hoo-ser-hers! Jimmy is a schmuck who’s just been dumped for the umpteenth time by his sexy bitch of a girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell). Fletch, on the other hand, is a clown. Was a professional clown, got fired, is still a clown. A fat, really annoying clown. Actually he’s a dickhead as well, ‘cos all he wants to do is get laid, which will happen when hell freezes over. Speaking of hell, it’s gonna be one hell of a night for the two lads after they go for a holiday hike in Cragwich (UK) which happens to be the stomping ground for a leer of lesbian vampires. Y’see Jimmy and Fletch have befriended a VW van full of buxom Swedish party girls, and where there are voluptuous young wanton women, lesbian vampires are sure to make an appearance.
Lesbian Vampire Killers James Corden and Mathew Horne
James Corden as Jimmy and Mathew Horne as Fletch
But it isn’t a vampire movie without a man of the Cross on a mission to destroy these diabolical femme fatales. Enter the Vicar (Paul McGann), armed with the knowledge of Carmilla (Silvia Colloca), the Lesbian Vampire Queen, all the cursed ins and out of vampirism, and of their only hope: that Jimmy is the last in the family line of one Wolfgang McLaren, the vampire slayer who fashioned a special sword, that happens to have a penis-handle (one of the movie’s many “hilarious” gags), and can lift the wretched curse.
Lesbian Vampire Killers Ashely Mulheron, Tiffany Mulheron, MyAnna Buring, Louise Dylan
Trudi (Ashley Mulheron), Heidi (Tiffany Mulheron), Lotte (MyAnna Buring) and Anke (Louise Dylan)
It complicate matters the Vicar is on borrowed time as his virginal daughter Rebecca (Emer Kenny) is about to turn eighteen and when she does the vampire curse triggered by Wolfgang McLaren’s original slaying of the Vampire Queen will kick in and all the young women of the village, and the world will become …. lesbian vampires! And to throw a spanner in the works, Judy has somehow managed to find her way to Cragwich (even though Jimmy never told her where he was) to try and reunite with her ex, after a failed attempt at hooking up with a married man.
Lesbian Vampire Killers James Corden and Vera Filatova
Jimmy nervously wonders if Eva (Vera Filatova) swings both ways
I should also add that one of the four sexy Swedes, Lotte (MyAnna Buring), has the hots for Jimmy and is dead keen on losing her virginity (say what?!) to such a sweet and sensitive man, whilst the other three lovely Scandinavian ladies, Trudi (Ashley Mulheron), Heidi (Tiffany Mulheron), and Anke (Louise Dylan) are prime Sapphic fodder indeed. Enter the gorgeous Eva (Vera Filatova), Queen Carmilla’s royal right-hand lover, who is one eager beaver for expediting Carmilla’s second coming. Can Jimmy, Fletch, the Vicar, and Lotte save the world from the evil clutches of those wicked lesbian killers? Do I really care?!
Lesbian Vampire Killers James Corden, Mathew Horne, Paul McGann, MyAnna Buring
Vicar (Paul McGann) and his team of lesbian vampire killers
Screenwriters Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams have been quoted as saying they wanted to write something like Withnail and I accidentally walking into the middle of a silly Hammer Horror film. Come again? Silly, perhaps. Stupid, more like. I’ve seen Hammer Horror flicks funnier than this hotch-potch. Actually the movie I was constantly reminded of while watching Lesbian Vampire Killers was Shaun of the Dead (2004). There is a striking similarity in that it’s a horror spoof about two male buddies, one who’s moping over breaking up with this girlfriend, and the other his overweight smart-ass friend trying to cheer him up. The two major differences being one has vampires, the other has zombies, and Shaun of the Dead devours this flick for breakfast then spits out the fat and gristle (‘cos that’s all there was).
Lesbian Vampire Killers Vera Filatova, MyAnna Buring
I know lesbians like to lunch, but this is ridiculous!
Like I said first up, great title, but where was the gratuitous nudity?! Where was the gore?! If you’re gonna give your movie a grindhouse-styled title then you’ve gotta follow through with the goodies. There were a couple of shapely titties during the movie’s opening prologue, and one brief long shot through a window of Trudi as she exits a shower (but with a branch strategically placed!). As for lesbian action, the odd tentative tonguing, and way too much body writhing. And the gore? Hmph! Virtually no bloodshed whatsoever. When the vamps get dealt to their bodies ejaculate gooey white stuff, and if you don’t get the sexual metaphor there you must be braindead.
Lesbian Vampire Killers Silvia Colloca
Silvia Colloca as Carmilla, Lesbian Vampire Queen
The CGI effects of the vampires appearing and disappearing as wisps of white mist was one of the few elements that actually looked effective. A couple of shots of Eva suddenly appearing from the shadowy darkness also worked well. In fact Vera Filatova practically stole the show, her sensual presence easily outshone that of Silvia Collica as Carmilla, who was upstaged by her own hairdo, while Lucy Gaskell chowed down on her scenes threatening to upstage anyone who shared the screen with her. The more I think about it, Judy and Eva were the movie’s only interesting characters. Or am I confusing sex appeal with screen charisma and acting chops?
Lesbian Vampire Killers Silvia Colloca and MyAnna Buring
Carmilla is dead set on a piece of Lotte
I’ve rambled enough; it’s just that these attempts at horror-comedy really get under my skin when they fail so miserably. A message to director Phil Claydon: If you’re going to make a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers, then bite the bullet, take the bull by the horns, and deliver a no-holds-barred, adult exploitation flick with plenty of the good stuff (you know what I’m talking about). From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) kept the humour cracking and the gore to the wall, and although it might not have had any nudity, Salma Hayek aka Pandemonium's lurid dance with the albino python more than made up for that.
Lesbian Vampire Killer Lucy Gaskell

Lesbian Vampire Killers Emer Kenny


Here's the trailer:

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Posted By: Bryn - Category: movie reviews
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12 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Damo

May 6th 2009 06:42
Bryn

I get the impression that you were not overly impressed by this movie.

Shaun of the Dead is my touch stone for funny horror. (Hot Fuzz a close second in the Straw Dogs genre)

However whenever I see the word 'spoof' I instinctively say 'next'.

Comment by Bryn

May 6th 2009 06:56


Horrorphile
Damo, yeah, you should know me by now, when something rubs me up the wrong way or grates on me, I dig deep with the spade.

Shaun of the Dead is looking pretty untouchable as far as I'm concerned. I can't think of any other horror-comedy that even comes close. An American Werewolf in London, The Howling and Ginger Snaps don't wear their comedy on their sleeves like Shaun does, so I don't consider them (curiously they're all werewolf flicks). I'm not a fan of Evil Dead II, and Braindead was just too slapstick for my tastes.

Comment by Morgan Bell

May 6th 2009 10:16


Science News
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Movie Train
Artist Quirk
well the movie posters are certainly eye-catching

i cant get over how much "Rebecca" looks like Amanda Peet

Comment by Damo

May 6th 2009 12:37
Bryn
What about 'Fearless Vampire killers?'
I enjoyed that.

Comment by JohnDoe

May 6th 2009 14:21


Film & TV on DVD
Sounds like an abomination of lazy writing and non committed sexuality, I hate that! Its not like you go into a film like this for its smarts but at least some good sleazy Tits and violence would have made up for it.

Comment by Cibbuano

May 6th 2009 22:23


Hunt Famous
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Techbreak
Yes, a pretty miserable effort. I saw it this week and was disappointed that the movie was neither interesting nor sexy. Give us something!

Comment by Bryn

May 6th 2009 23:52


Horrorphile
Morgan, to be honest I haven't even been impressed with the poster art either ... They should've desgined them like the old grindhouse ones.

Damo, you've pre-empted me. Stay tuned.

JD, precisely.

Cibby, yup, a waste of good Euro flesh fer sure!


Comment by Matt Shea

May 7th 2009 09:30


20/20 Filmsight
Bryn, I was worried after reading Cib's review, and your write-up confirms his opinions on what looks like a sorry mess indeed. What a shame and I totally agree: a waste of a great b-movie name.

Comment by Whitney

May 7th 2009 14:46


Gaming for Life
The Female View
Pet Advice
Tech Stripe
Alternative Look
Just for the vampires, the movie may be interesting to watch, even if it is cliche and cheesy. It may be something I can convince my boyfriend to include in our movie nights... Whenever I can convince him of Twilight... He thinks I've forgotten, but oh will he watch that movie- like it or not. Ha

Comment by Bryn

May 8th 2009 03:09


Horrorphile
Matt, bring back grindhouse I say.

Whitney, if you're trying to lure your bf into watching Twilight with you, hire From Dusk Till Dawn instead, unless he's already seen it, otherwise A French Vampire in America, if you can find it.

Comment by big V

June 14th 2009 22:05
i loved that shaun off the dead i thought that it was hilariouse one of my favesYour text goes hereYour text goes here

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