Friday the 13th (2009)

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Friday the 13th (2009)

March 13th 2009 02:44

So here we are, it’s Friday, March 13th, and Michael “I Am Hollywood” Bay, the producer (and director) who gave us The Unborn (2009) and the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) has given the slasher genre’s most enduring creation, Jason Voorhees, a re-boot. Friday the 13th (2009) is not a straight remake, but a re-envisioning, since that’s the trendiest thing to do these days, you let a screenwriter or two have a field day utilising the key elements and characters and premise so they can pump fresh blood into an anemic body, or as I like to see it, flog a dead horse.

Director Marcus Nispel who helmed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake has made a competent, but wholly unremarkable movie. By trying to be everything, he’s delivered nothing; it’s hard candy for the Y-Gen. Jason Voorhees has been styled in the mold of old, but his menace has been heavily diluted. Although I’ll admit I'm probably heavily desensitized, but Jason just isn’t that scary anymore. I’d sooner watch Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984), through popcorn at the screen and laugh at Crispin Glover.

Friday the 13th (2009) cast publicity shot

Smile, 'cos you're all gonna die! L-R: Chelsea (Willa Ford), Nolan (Ryan Hansen), Trent (Travis Van Winkle), Jenna (Danielle Panabaker), Bree (Julianna Guill), Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), Chewie (Aaron Yoo) and Clay (Jared Padalecki)

Screenwriters Damian Shannon and Mark Swift have combined the first three movies of the long-running series. In fact early on the producers were referring to this remake as Friday the 13th: Part XII, and in the pre-production stage the movie went through all many of risible premises including Jason Takes Los Angeles, Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, Jason vs. Leatherface, The Beginning (a prequel), a sequel to Jason X (2003) set in the far future, The Revenge of Tommy Jarvis (the survivor from Part V), and more.

WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS!

Amanda (America Olivo)'s just had sex, so she should probably die

They finally settled on having a prologue (set on Friday, June 13, 1980) depicting the very end of the original Friday the 13th (1980) with the surviving camp counselor decapitating Jason’s vengeful mother Pamela Voorhees (Nana Visitor), and having a young Jason having witnessed his mother’s murder and taking possession of the machete with his mother’s voice telling him to continue her murderous legacy.

Then we cut to present day and five hapless young folk are traipsing into the woods surrounding Crystal Lake looking for a secret marijuana plot. They set up camp and Donnie (Kyle Davis) spins the yarn of young retarded, deformed Jason’s apparent drowning, his mother’s revenge and death, and Jason supposedly still dwelling within the area. Soon enough there’s sexual activity between two of the campers Richie (Ben Feldman) and Amanda (America Olivo, from upcoming rogue pussycat flick Bitch Slap, and flashing possibly the fakest-looking tits I’ve ever seen), so Donnie goes grass-hunting and Jason (Derek Mears) comes a-killing.

Mike (Nick Mennell) nearly loses an eye!

Six weeks later a fresh bunch of attractive young folk are heading to a cabin for a weekend of hedonistic antics; there’s arrogant Trent (Travis Van Winkle), his lovely girlfriend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker), two blonde bimbos, Bree (Julianna Guill) and Chelsea (Willa Ford), Chelsea’s fuck-buddy Nolan (Ryan Hansen), and two pothead dumbos Chewie (Aaron Yoo) and Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta). The group bumps into Clay (Jared Padalecki) , the handsome older brother of Whitney (Amanda Righetti) who was the last girl who appeared to get macheted (how did she survive that?!) in the prologue. Clay is searching for his sister, and Jenna takes keen interest.

Friday the 13th (2009) Derek Mears and Willa Ford

Chelsea (Willa Ford) wonders if staying in the lake is probably a good idea

The cabin is very close to Crystal Lake, so before you can say "sexanddopewillgetyouwhacked", Jason has taken a serious interest in the welfare of the group. But who will survive, and what will be left of them?

Friday the 13th (2009) Jared Padalecki and Derek Mears

One should stay well clear of dark windows in a Friday the 13th movie

Jason is thought to have drowned (Friday the 13th), but in fact is living in his mother’s run-down home and stores her skull in a makeshift altar (Friday the 13th: Part II). He initially is wearing a sac over his head (Friday the 13th: Part II), but finds and dons a hockey mask in a red barn (Friday the 13th - Part III). Also a brother comes searching for his missing sister (Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter). There are several references to the previous movies' killings, such as the body (almost) found in the freezer, the arrow through the head, impalement through the eye, Jason launching out of the water to grab a victim, there’s even a reference to a staunch Jason pose (standing atop the balcony seems lifted straight from Jason atop the burning campervan in Part VI: Jason Lives). I could go on, but it’s all academic ...

When in doubt, scream

The characters are marginally less annoying than, say, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006), but most of the characters till seem to behave really stupidly, or they’re “blind”, or they are too easily riled-up. Jason comes across as too calculating, then not calculating enough. There’s no reasoning behind him stashing one body, and leaving another. And how is he able to get so quickly from one place to another, as if he’s got some kind of Tomorrow People jaunting belt? It shits me.

Some of the kills are okay, but too many of them are tame (I use that word loosely, considering this is a slasher flick). One of the best sequences has Whitney and boyfriend Mike (Nick Mennell) snooping around the semi-collapsed Voorhees home and Jason starts shoving the machete up through the floor. The best death and gore sequence is Richie who gets his leg snared in a bear trap and then Jason runs up and cleaves his head with the machete as Whitney fumbles trying to free him. The other notable is Chelsea who, after a spot of topless ski-surfing, is knocked silly by the runaway runabout, takes refuge under the dock only to have Jason stab the machete between the planks into her head and lift her out of the water. Novel!

Friday the 13th (2009) Amanda Righetti and Jared Padalecki

Siblings Whitney (Amanda Righetti) and Clay fight it out to the end

It ain't over 'til it's over ... is it over?

But enough is enough. I loathe thinking about what Michael Bay’s plans for the the re-boot of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). It won’t be a straight remake, probably a prequel (Freddy’s origins) that takes the original and has teenagers referring to it as something that happened in the past, or whatever.

With all these remakes and reboots I’m gonna take the villain by the horns: next week I’ll review three big ‘uns given the re-boot: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), Dawn of the Dead (2004) and The Hills Have Eyes (2006). Until then, smoke some pot, drink numerous beers, make lewd and crude remarks, venture down into the basement without a torch, or out into the nearby woods when it’s really dark, have urgent sex … and wait for the psycho-killer to come. Unless you’re the Final Girl, of course.

Here's the trailer with totally misleading kill references:

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Posted By: Bryn - Category: movie reviews

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Comments

8 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Damo

March 13th 2009 03:20

Hmmmm?

I think that maybe they make teenagers look dumb so that you do not feel so bad when they are killed.

Comment by Bryn

March 13th 2009 03:31

Horrorphile

Damo, yeah, but you need to feel some stuff for them, cos otherwise you don't really feel that scared ... sure, you need some idiots in the slasher flicks, but i get frustrated when shit goes down that simply does not reflect realism, even if it is in a slasher flick ... the best slasher flicks are locked in realism, with the exception of halloween which skirted with the supernatural, but still did so on a very convincing level ... "Was that the boogeyman?", "As a matter of fact, that was ..."

Comment by Damo

March 13th 2009 05:06

You know one of the most disappointing things I find is some movies is that they are filled with unlikeable characters. I watch Cabin Fever hoping to see a good film. Instead I got a bunch of kids that I wanted to see killed by the first half. Not one like able person in the whole film. Why invest my fear in people I am so indifferent to. The next trend that turns me off is the ending that kills everyone for no apparent reason. Why invest my hopes in any one if none of them have any hope of survival. Why not start with them all being dead and run the end credits? It takes more than just splatter to frighten me these days.

Comment by Bryn

March 13th 2009 05:39

Horrorphile

Damo, I wholeheartedly agree. The stalk'n'slash genre however does rely to a degree on blood and gore, thus the sub-genre's name, so if you're gonna go there, then you need to come up with the goods. Slasher flicks need to be scary and gory. John Carpenter's Halloween however is almost the only exception to the rule. His has virtually no bloodshed, but is damn fucking scary. Ironically it is his movie that is most referenced when it comes to original slasher flicks.
The other thing is you can have characters that do stupid things, but make them obviously dim or inadequate in the first place. It pisses me off when characters that really should know better start doin' shit they simply wouldn't do. In Friday the 13th, one of the chicks goes off with her girlfriend's partner to screw him in the bedroom while the girlfriend has gone for a walk with the stranger. Bingo! The gf wouldn't have gone off with the stranger in the first place, and the chick wouldn't have tried to fuck her boyfriend when the gf could've walked in on them at any moment. But it's all academic anyway ... LOL

Comment by Damo

March 13th 2009 06:29

Bryn
I just had a very evil thought.
What if we make a low budget stalk and slash film and base the characters on orble bloggers. Hehehehe.

Comment by Bryn

March 13th 2009 15:59

Horrorphile

Sometimes I state the bleedin' obvious, I'm sorry ...

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Rated R - high level academic language, drug use, coarse language, frequent nudity, sexual references, and occasional graphic violence