What's the DUMBEST horror movie ever?
October 30th 2006 22:40
An interesting question, as many people would simply say every horror movie is the dumbest. In this troublesome age who wants and needs to be scared? But I’m not talking about horror films that actually work, I’m talking about horror flicks that fail dismally, that are so silly and cheesy and dumb that you guffaw for all the wrong reasons.
This is an area of deep trash that I try not to dwell too near. Watching horror movies that are really dumb – especially the ones that are actually trying to take themselves somewhat seriously – is like watching the cable adult channel for some decent sex. It’s bloody pointless. The horror movies are anemic and spineless, just as those cable soft-porn movies are prudish and flaccid.
There are some movies that may have looked okay on paper at the time, but when finally realised and let loose on the public have turned into gigantic turkeys. Try the Hollywood remake of Godzilla (1998) on for size. It worked for Japan during the 50s and 60s, but late 20th Century America? Nope.
The numerous sequels - The Marsupials (?!) - to the cult classic The Howling (1981), but in particular The Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch (1985, aka Your Sister is a Werewolf) is now considered to be amongst the most prized of horror turkeys, especially with end credits repeat shot of Sybil Danning’s ample bosom being bared 17 times!!
Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994, aka The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) is a landmark low point, and one film both Hollywood A-listers have requested removal from their resumes. Boy, oh boy, that film gobble-gobbles, glub-glubs, munch, munch, munch!
There are movies so downright stupid that they kinda work; Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978). Okay, so the title alone gives it a kudos of sorts, as it’s a bit of a musical send-up. Eeek!! Then the squishy sequel, The Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988), a slicker production that was genuinely sillier, but funnier than the original (production on the film ceases at one point while producers and director stand around trying to work out how to get more money, some bright spark suggests product placement. You can guess the results).
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
They'll beat you, bash you,
Squish you, mash you,
Chew you up for brunch,
And finish you off, for dinner and lunch!
They're marching down the halls
They're crawling up the walls
They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy,
Rotten to the core
They're standing outside your door!
So what ranks as the dumbest horror movie ever made then? The criteria are simple. If the filmmakers are trying to be serious and it’s unintentionally a hoot, then it’s dumb. If the movie is a spoof and you remain stony-faced throughout the film, then it’s pretty damn dumb. If the movie has acting, production values, or logic that make Keanu Reeves and Ed Wood look like Oscar contenders, then it’s dumb, real dumb.
For me, I can’t stand the low-rent Troma production line. Street Trash (1987) is the one exception. The Toxic Avenger (1985) is over-rated, and the rest (Redneck Zombies, Surf Nazis Must Die, Tromeo & Juliet, ad nauseam) are just pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. Intentionally bad, yes. But sooo bloody stoooooopid!!!!
One movie, however, that has sticky-stuck-stack in my head for sheer brain-numbing rotten tomato dumbness is a sleazy, tits-and-ass alien horror cringe called Breeders (1986). Whew, now that one was stupendous in the dumb stakes. The alien sperm bath finale is a nadir in horror-titillation concepts. Trust me.
* images on this page were taken from the following wikipedia pages:
Godzilla and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!
The are licensed from the GNU Free Document License
This is an area of deep trash that I try not to dwell too near. Watching horror movies that are really dumb – especially the ones that are actually trying to take themselves somewhat seriously – is like watching the cable adult channel for some decent sex. It’s bloody pointless. The horror movies are anemic and spineless, just as those cable soft-porn movies are prudish and flaccid.
There are some movies that may have looked okay on paper at the time, but when finally realised and let loose on the public have turned into gigantic turkeys. Try the Hollywood remake of Godzilla (1998) on for size. It worked for Japan during the 50s and 60s, but late 20th Century America? Nope.
The numerous sequels - The Marsupials (?!) - to the cult classic The Howling (1981), but in particular The Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch (1985, aka Your Sister is a Werewolf) is now considered to be amongst the most prized of horror turkeys, especially with end credits repeat shot of Sybil Danning’s ample bosom being bared 17 times!!
Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994, aka The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) is a landmark low point, and one film both Hollywood A-listers have requested removal from their resumes. Boy, oh boy, that film gobble-gobbles, glub-glubs, munch, munch, munch!
There are movies so downright stupid that they kinda work; Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978). Okay, so the title alone gives it a kudos of sorts, as it’s a bit of a musical send-up. Eeek!! Then the squishy sequel, The Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988), a slicker production that was genuinely sillier, but funnier than the original (production on the film ceases at one point while producers and director stand around trying to work out how to get more money, some bright spark suggests product placement. You can guess the results).
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
They'll beat you, bash you,
Squish you, mash you,
Chew you up for brunch,
And finish you off, for dinner and lunch!
They're marching down the halls
They're crawling up the walls
They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy,
Rotten to the core
They're standing outside your door!
So what ranks as the dumbest horror movie ever made then? The criteria are simple. If the filmmakers are trying to be serious and it’s unintentionally a hoot, then it’s dumb. If the movie is a spoof and you remain stony-faced throughout the film, then it’s pretty damn dumb. If the movie has acting, production values, or logic that make Keanu Reeves and Ed Wood look like Oscar contenders, then it’s dumb, real dumb.
For me, I can’t stand the low-rent Troma production line. Street Trash (1987) is the one exception. The Toxic Avenger (1985) is over-rated, and the rest (Redneck Zombies, Surf Nazis Must Die, Tromeo & Juliet, ad nauseam) are just pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. Intentionally bad, yes. But sooo bloody stoooooopid!!!!
* images on this page were taken from the following wikipedia pages:
Godzilla and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!
The are licensed from the GNU Free Document License
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Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Wait, there was one... Sliders? About robots that build themselves? It was ridiculous...
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
yeah it was ...
Sliders? Wasn't that a terrible Tv show too?
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Also, there was a horror movie I watched once called Cats (I think that was the title) that was just plain stupid.
Comment by Damo
'Robot Monster' One thing stands out' the spaceship being held by a hand in a black glove.
'The Swarm' How many stars does it take to work out you you can't save a stupid plot.
'Jaws 2' It eats helicopters huh?
'The Island of Dr Moreau' Marlin Brando version. It is so scary how fat someone can get when they are destroying a classic story.
'Dracular 2000' And his secret identity is ...Judas. What kind of puke do these people dream up?
'Son of Frankenstein' Honorable mention as the dart scene was used in 'Young Frankenstein' to a much better effect.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
yes Island of Dr Moreau, what a shame, as Dust Devil and Hardware director Richard Stanley was at the helm of that until it went completely out of control. You can imagine with Brando and Kilmer on set ...
Dracula 2000? The title alone scares me!!
And yes, Plan 9 is a bit of a guilty pleasure ... In a truly weird little league of its own that one!
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
yeah, sequels generally suck BIG TIME!
The Friday the 13ths, the Elm Streets, the Halloweens (although I kinda liked the first sequel, cos it was the first adult horror movie I saw on the big screen when I was 13) ... I saw at the video store the other day a straight to video release I Will ALWAYS Know What You Did LAst Summer ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
Now I'll roll my eyes right on over here.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Comment by Ruth
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The Blob was another that didn't quite hit the mark. Nor was I impressed by the Candyman, the remake of The Ring or an old eighties flick that featured a swarm of killer african bees that threatened to wipeout the entire American continent... which of course may as well be the apocalypse for all mankind.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Ruth
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Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
And The Blob is silly by default.
Candyman was sickly sweet awful.
I didn't mind The Ring remake.
I hear The Grudge 2 is terrible. Gonna see that one in the next day or two ...
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
You mean The Murder House I went to as a young boy ...?
Comment by Ailene
Let's see.....
* Dawn of the Dead (and any of its sequels)
* Cave
* The Ring 1& 2
* The Blob (although that's my fave old time horror flick, minus the special FX)
* House of 1000 corpses
* Slither
* Jekyll & Hyde (the new one)
* Critters
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Also, movies that are terrible, but use horror as a cheap vehicle for nudity and sex, should be exempt.
Ah, there's a mutant insect movie with Carlton from Fresh Prince... and he says this:
'My name's Panic, because I don't.'
And then, inevitably, he runs screaming from the spiders later.
Comment by suitably*wounded
Eternal Days; Author: Illness, M.
Comment by fabrizio
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Comment by Emily
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
That remake of Chainsaw Massacre with Renee Zellweger and Matthew MCConaughey was total balls, and Godzilla was also aweful. I did a presentation for a communications class once comparing the new Godzilla to the classic Japanese ones. Mostly it was just an excuse to show footage of Japanese men stumbling through miniature cities in rubber suits, but isn't that what all presentations should be about?
Any of the Scary Movies quailfy as dumb. I was stony-faced all the way. Give me Troma over that crap any day.
Comment by Damo
'Food for the Gods'
Giant rubber chickens trying to kill hippies. Where is that horror in that?
'Alien verses Preditor'.
Big budget effects, predictable plot and characters we are all begging to be killed. Do we actually care who is stronger? No me.
'Them'
Giant ants that look like giant foam with sticks glued to it. Crocs at Disneyland are more convincing
'The Thing with 2 Heads'
Ray Milland version 1970's. The head of a white racist is grafted onto a black mans body. Cool baby.
'Stigmata'
Crap, crap, total crap and not even scary. Hate horror films with a message.
'Van Helsing'
Brain dead humour and an even more brain dead plot. Dialogue that is the worst I have ever witnessed. No scares anywhere to be found. I was robbed.
'Cujo'
Yep, it was a rabbid dog but the Ford Pinto was the true star of the film.
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Fabrizio, Slither is meant to be goofy and cheesy, it's a piss take on B-grade sf-horror ... perhaps you missed the point?
s*w, I do want to see Devil's Rejects, Zombie does capture a certain je ne sais blurgh! ...
Cujo worked as novel (I don't know how), but a s film, it's a BOW-WOW! (although I remember the trailer made it look really good).
Ailene, how could say the Romero's Dead series are the dumbest films?! Sacrilege!! You'll burn in hell for that!!! ....... j/k
Comment by PokerPro
Did you ever see a movie called Pumpkinhead? I thought that was pretty bad. Shakma also deserves an honourable mention but I would still encourage anyone to see it just to see how vicious an out of control baboon can be...
Comment by Adrienne
Comment by Ruth
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Comment by Kristen
Silly American
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
And as for straight-to-video releases ... there really are too many to mention ...
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
If only you would have bitten the cherry (tomato)
... now that would have been sexy...
but I jest....
Lilla...
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Comment by Aaron
Also, What Lies Beneath.
Aaron.
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile
Comment by ZombiFreak
Comment by Bryn
Horrorphile