All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

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All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

March 11th 2009 02:13

Horror movies that try and be too cool or end in a totally ridiculous fashion really annoy me. Those that have superlatives plastered all over the cover from various publications and websites that then fail miserably to fulfill the acclaim piss me off even more. There is so much cosmetic subterfuge and sly fabrication on DVDs these days, especially those that are released straight to DVD, it’s hard to sort the shit from shinola, suffice to say, most of it is crap.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) is a prime example. It’s essentially a vehicle movie for pretty young Amber Heard who plays the titular character, a snow white surrounded by a bunch of horny dwarves, with a wicked, manipulative villain lurking somewhere in the dark. Mandy is pure as the driven snow, yet inexplicably she finds herself going to these immoral parties where all her peers get fucked up and tragic events occur. When will she learn? Perhaps she should listen to the voice that says, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em …”

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane Amber Heard

Amber Heard as Mandy Lane

Written by Jacob Forman (art department researcher turned screenwriter, go figure) and directed by Jonathon Levine (who looks barely old enough to tie his shoelaces), All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, which curiously has taken two years to find distribution, fancies itself as some kind of revisionist slasher flick except it fails on nearly all accounts, most spectacularly during the last ten or so minutes. Honestly, I didn’t know whether to laugh at the sheer preposterousness of it, or shake my head in despair at the frustration of productions like these being made (and that I was lured in by the promise of something above average).

All the boys Love Mandy Lane Whitney Able, Melissa Price, Adam Powell and Aaron Himelstein

It pays not to jump off the roof into the pool when you're drunk

Amber Heard (who looks like a young Mira Sorvino) is so hot right now she has eight movies in production (about to be released is the movie adaptation of some of Brett Easton Ellis’s bad dreams, The Informers, and coming up she co-stars in the remake of The Stepfather). She’s definitely got screen presence, no doubt about it, but as Mandy Lane is the only performance I’ve seen I’m not sold on her acting ability. I certainly wasn’t sold on her character arc.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane Luke Grimes, Aaron Himelstein, Edwin Hodge

Jake (Luke Grimes), Red (Aaron Himelstein) and Bird (Edwin Hodge) in party mode

Mandy Lane has returned to school after the summer holidays. All the males in her peer group agree that she’s blossomed into a girl whose pants they all want to get into. She’s invited to a pool party and attends with her friend Emmet (Michael Welch), but Dylan (Adam Powell), the host of the party who is dead-set on Amber, harasses him. A tragic accident occurs and Emmet, who was indirectly responsible, receives the wrath of the group. He’s banished from the social circle.

Nine months later and Mandy is even hotter still. Pothead Red (Aaron Himelstein) has been given access to his parents’ isolated ranch, and so he plans a small weekend retreat for a few mates; Jake (Luke Grimes), Chloe (Whitney Able), Bird (Edwin Hodge), and Marlin (Melissa Price). Of course Mandy is invited too, and surprise, surprise, she decides to join the party, despite the fact that the others are all going to be doing things she’d rather not: binge drinking, smoking pot, snorting coke and having sex.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane Amber Heard Whitney Able

Mandy decides to comfort Chloe (Whitney Able), why, we'll never know

The ranch-hand Garth (Anson Mount) who lives in the adjacent cabin keeps an eye on the small party, but it seems someone else is keeping an eye on the proceedings as well, someone with a bone to pick. Soon enough the group is picked off, one by one, by a sadistic, hooded killer. Who could it be? Who fucking cares?

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane Michael Welch

Beware the hooded killer with a chip on his shoulder

Why do so many movies these days with so-called good mates have the characters tear into each other at the slightest suggestion? It makes no sense, only to fuel tension for the movie’s sake. It’s bullshit writing. To make matters worse, these teenagers are not only obnoxious (kind of a pre-requisite for slasher flicks, I guess), but they’re so damn boring too! They on a weekender to … slouch around, passing booze and grass back and forth, and bitch. Hang on, they play Truth or Dare, I forgot, how fucking novel. The sooner these idiots get offed, the better. Except the killings either occur in darkness or happen off-screen, or aren’t that satisfying for the audience. I felt utterly cheated.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane Anson Mount

Garth (Anson Mount) decides to have a disco nap during the movie's climactic finale

The twist revelation that occurs after the reveal of the main killer is deplorable. The entire movie sinks into a quagmire of absurdity. I could only shake my head in disgust that a screenplay like this gets the green light. I need to pull finger and write more. The writing is on the wall. But I still wanna know how this win the Audience Award at the Sundance Film Festival?!

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane alternate movie poster

I wish the movie was as cool as the posters

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a blatant insult of a horror movie, I don't care how many Y-Gens think it owns - it spits chunks; slick, yet utterly vacuous, pseudo-violent with few real payoffs (it’s a damn slasher flick, where’s the gore?!), and as stylish as a visit to the dentist. Perhaps if Mandy had played the bitch instead of anemic, annoying Chloe, or Jake had turned out to be the homicidal maniac? Or maybe if Garth had actually been savagely slaughtered in front of the others instead of playing the spare prick at the wedding? Or if Marlin (what the fuck kind of parents supposedly name their daughter after a fish?!) had more than just a pretty stupid head on her shoulders? Or if … ahhh, who gives a toss? I may be getting longer in the tooth, but trust me, I know a turkey, even if it's strutting like a pheasant. Cool posters aside, you’ve been warned.

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Posted By: Bryn - Category: movie reviews

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Comment by The wonderful Peter Yang

March 11th 2009 18:21

The First Wonderful Peter Yang's Variety Blog
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I see what you are talking about

Cheers

Comment by Damo

March 13th 2009 01:55

I think the title alone puts me off.

It needs something to give it an edge.
like 'Everyone bloodywell likes Mandy Pain'

Comment by Bryn

March 13th 2009 03:18

Horrorphile

I think the producers wanted a kind of nursery-rhymish false sense of security kind of buzz, y'know? Kinda like "One, two Freddy's comin' for you, three, four, better lock your door ..."

Comment by Anonymous

March 29th 2010 17:26

i watched this film the other day i loved it ,, i think that person wasted their time writing that cos every one has a different opinon ,, i do i thought it was great i recommend watching it

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