What's the DUMBEST horror movie ever?
October 30th 2006 22:40
An interesting question, as many people would simply say every horror movie is the dumbest. In this troublesome age who wants and needs to be scared? But I’m not talking about horror films that actually work, I’m talking about horror flicks that fail dismally, that are so silly and cheesy and dumb that you guffaw for all the wrong reasons.
This is an area of deep trash that I try not to dwell too near. Watching horror movies that are really dumb – especially the ones that are actually trying to take themselves somewhat seriously – is like watching the cable adult channel for some decent sex. It’s bloody pointless. The horror movies are anemic and spineless, just as those cable soft-porn movies are prudish and flaccid.
There are some movies that may have looked okay on paper at the time, but when finally realised and let loose on the public have turned into gigantic turkeys. Try the Hollywood remake of Godzilla (1998) on for size. It worked for Japan during the 50s and 60s, but late 20th Century America? Nope.
The numerous sequels - The Marsupials (?!) - to the cult classic The Howling (1981), but in particular The Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch (1985, aka Your Sister is a Werewolf) is now considered to be amongst the most prized of horror turkeys, especially with end credits repeat shot of Sybil Danning’s ample bosom being bared 17 times!!
Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994, aka The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) is a landmark low point, and one film both Hollywood A-listers have requested removal from their resumes. Boy, oh boy, that film gobble-gobbles, glub-glubs, munch, munch, munch!
There are movies so downright stupid that they kinda work; Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978). Okay, so the title alone gives it a kudos of sorts, as it’s a bit of a musical send-up. Eeek!! Then the squishy sequel, The Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988), a slicker production that was genuinely sillier, but funnier than the original (production on the film ceases at one point while producers and director stand around trying to work out how to get more money, some bright spark suggests product placement. You can guess the results).
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
They'll beat you, bash you,
Squish you, mash you,
Chew you up for brunch,
And finish you off, for dinner and lunch!
They're marching down the halls
They're crawling up the walls
They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy,
Rotten to the core
They're standing outside your door!
So what ranks as the dumbest horror movie ever made then? The criteria are simple. If the filmmakers are trying to be serious and it’s unintentionally a hoot, then it’s dumb. If the movie is a spoof and you remain stony-faced throughout the film, then it’s pretty damn dumb. If the movie has acting, production values, or logic that make Keanu Reeves and Ed Wood look like Oscar contenders, then it’s dumb, real dumb.
For me, I can’t stand the low-rent Troma production line. Street Trash (1987) is the one exception. The Toxic Avenger (1985) is over-rated, and the rest (Redneck Zombies, Surf Nazis Must Die, Tromeo & Juliet, ad nauseam) are just pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. Intentionally bad, yes. But sooo bloody stoooooopid!!!!
One movie, however, that has sticky-stuck-stack in my head for sheer brain-numbing rotten tomato dumbness is a sleazy, tits-and-ass alien horror cringe called Breeders (1986). Whew, now that one was stupendous in the dumb stakes. The alien sperm bath finale is a nadir in horror-titillation concepts. Trust me.
* images on this page were taken from the following wikipedia pages:
Godzilla and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!
The are licensed from the GNU Free Document License
This is an area of deep trash that I try not to dwell too near. Watching horror movies that are really dumb – especially the ones that are actually trying to take themselves somewhat seriously – is like watching the cable adult channel for some decent sex. It’s bloody pointless. The horror movies are anemic and spineless, just as those cable soft-porn movies are prudish and flaccid.
There are some movies that may have looked okay on paper at the time, but when finally realised and let loose on the public have turned into gigantic turkeys. Try the Hollywood remake of Godzilla (1998) on for size. It worked for Japan during the 50s and 60s, but late 20th Century America? Nope.
The numerous sequels - The Marsupials (?!) - to the cult classic The Howling (1981), but in particular The Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch (1985, aka Your Sister is a Werewolf) is now considered to be amongst the most prized of horror turkeys, especially with end credits repeat shot of Sybil Danning’s ample bosom being bared 17 times!!
Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994, aka The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) is a landmark low point, and one film both Hollywood A-listers have requested removal from their resumes. Boy, oh boy, that film gobble-gobbles, glub-glubs, munch, munch, munch!
There are movies so downright stupid that they kinda work; Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978). Okay, so the title alone gives it a kudos of sorts, as it’s a bit of a musical send-up. Eeek!! Then the squishy sequel, The Return of the Killer Tomatoes! (1988), a slicker production that was genuinely sillier, but funnier than the original (production on the film ceases at one point while producers and director stand around trying to work out how to get more money, some bright spark suggests product placement. You can guess the results).
Attack of the killer tomatoes!
They'll beat you, bash you,
Squish you, mash you,
Chew you up for brunch,
And finish you off, for dinner and lunch!
They're marching down the halls
They're crawling up the walls
They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy,
Rotten to the core
They're standing outside your door!
So what ranks as the dumbest horror movie ever made then? The criteria are simple. If the filmmakers are trying to be serious and it’s unintentionally a hoot, then it’s dumb. If the movie is a spoof and you remain stony-faced throughout the film, then it’s pretty damn dumb. If the movie has acting, production values, or logic that make Keanu Reeves and Ed Wood look like Oscar contenders, then it’s dumb, real dumb.
For me, I can’t stand the low-rent Troma production line. Street Trash (1987) is the one exception. The Toxic Avenger (1985) is over-rated, and the rest (Redneck Zombies, Surf Nazis Must Die, Tromeo & Juliet, ad nauseam) are just pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. Intentionally bad, yes. But sooo bloody stoooooopid!!!!
* images on this page were taken from the following wikipedia pages:
Godzilla and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!
The are licensed from the GNU Free Document License
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